President Donald Trump stood on stage in Washington, D.C. praising the nations to the south and north of us, and sided with the rest of the world on what sport should be called “football” (despite having previously owned a team in the short-lived United States Football League).
"But when you think about it, this is football, there is no question. We have to come up with another name for the other one. It really does not make sense when you think about it."
-President Trump, football fan.
He’s probably right about “football,” in this case, for what it’s worth. But that’s another distraction. The real headline here was his tone towards Mexico, Canada, and the world. They were strikingly different than they’ve been all year. 2025 has seen Trump continuously threatening other countries with various percentages of tariffs (so far, his tariffs are having a more negative impact domestically than internationally).
Inaugural FIFA Peace Prize Winner, Donald Trump.
Did the Ghosts of FIFA past, present and future visit Trump the night before? Of course not. He was given an award.
After the Nobel Peace Prize once again passed by Trump, it seemed the world may never award a peace prize to the former reality TV star. It turns out pouring millions of dollars into a police force that racially profiles and kidnaps U.S. citizens, while sending other undocumented immigrants to countries they’ve not from, does not meet the qualifications for the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.
But as luck would have it, FIFA doesn’t have an awards committee! Nor did they have an award - until now!
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The inaugural FIFA Peace Prize came with a trophy AND a medal. Trump beamed on stage, his ego temporarily fed, praising anyone and everything in sight. It turns out that participation trophies boomers used to complain about are good, actually. And while this ceremony didn’t take place inside a Pizza Hut with a 2nd grade soccer team, it had the same vibe.
It’s frustrating. It’s silly. It’s an extension of our long national reality TV show nightmare. But most importantly - it wasn’t hurting anyone. As Ben Parker at Bulwark pointed out, should we just keep giving Trump fake prizes?
It’s okay to say out loud, “no, David. We should do more than just appease the ego of a sleepy fascism-prone president, who cannot stop putting his names on buildings.”
But - counterpoint - what if these trophies distract President Trump from the nuclear codes?
With that in mind, here’s my list of suggested trophies for the rest of the week.
December 8th: Best Golfer of the 21st Century
Mr. President, you did it! You care deeply about this sport, having golfed 25% of the time (according to this tracker). You put in the work. At times, it was so exhausting that you fell asleep multiple times during a televised cabinet meeting.
Trophy: A golden golf trophy with Jack Nicklaus’s signature etched into it (we did not ask him for permission).
December 9th: Spiritual Founder of Tanzania
Sixty-four years ago, Tanzania became independent from Great Britain. While you were only 15 years old at the time, Mr. Trump, it became clear quite quickly that you inspired this revolution. Although this title is belated, we’re just thrilled to finally recognize you as the spiritual founder of Tanzania.
Trophy: A gold frame with a photo of Tanzania. The President’s face is emblazoned over it.
December 10th: Honorary Territorial Governor of Wyoming
On December 10th, 1869, Wyoming became the first state or territory to extend the right of suffrage to women. But Mr. President, if you had been territorial governor at the time, you would’ve signed this bill even earlier probably! That’s why, for one day, our nation’s president will also be the Honorary Territorial Governor of Wyoming. But it can be for life, if you’d like!
Trophy: A golden key to the Grand Teton National Park.
December 11th: The Inaugural Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers Thursday Night Football Spectator Award
It’s not every Thursday the Falcons and Bucs meet to play some good old-fashioned American football (but we can call it something else if you’d like, Mr. President!). And when they do meet, boy is it something to behold. That’s why we’re awarding this special Thursday night trophy to you Mr. President, to thank you for watching the game, if you have time.
Trophy: A pair of golden binoculars with a viewfinder switch that shows different pictures of the President in a football uniform, as generated by AI.
December 12th: It’s 12-12 Make a Wish!
At exactly 12:12 pm on December 12th, you will get whatever you want, Mr. President. While this is not associated with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, we hope to create a day that’s just as special for our little guy. Want a cheese pizza in a limo in New York City? You got it!
Trophy: A golden cake with 12 candles
December 13th: King of the National Guardsman
It’s the National Guard’s birthday! Your love of the Guard knows no bounds. You’ve intentionally circumvented state governors to deploy the National Guard in their cities, creating manufactured drama and distractions. We are honored to present this gold studded crown that definitely not painted with a spray can from Home Depot.
Trophy: A Prime Day plastic toy crown spray-painted with gold paint from Home Depot.
Okay, I got that out of my system. Now, please enjoy Friday’s video, in which I finally found an excuse to incorporate The Great British Baking Show into the news.
